Psychological blocker?

[justpoz]

This may be a somewhat interesting subject, I am curious to know if others have experienced this type of situation, I recently had an experience after full disclosure, she had known me for some time but we were never more than just acquaintances, over time we developed a friendship but she still did not know, but apparently one of my friends that knows my status did tell her and over a few weeks I realized that she did know.

She is negative.

So we discussed it, she was naturally curious and I told her everything I knew about risks, and treatment, (how being undetectable and using protection was actually safer than not knowing your status and not using protection)

I had been married but was divorced about two years after being diagnosed, so perhaps my sudden singleness was a part of it, but she asked me about my relationship status, and I said what relationship?

I guess she was asking if I had any type of experience since being diagnosed and the answer was no, for three years, (its a long time I can tell you that much) being married for 10 years, and having a normal married experiences, usually four or five times a week, sometimes more, then upon disclosing to my then wife, my status, (I had to by law and would have anyway) but to go from a decent loving relationship, you know holding hands, cuddling, and all the good stuff that goes with it to Zero.

Nada, Nothing, at all, no hugs, no hand holding no kissing, nothing we separated and the nothing continued until I was divorced.

Well that was extra did not cost you a dime, )

To get back to the topic the friend and I discussed the possibility of having the now famous friends ---- -------- (part time) relationship so we gave it a go, it was wonderful but I have to say that in the end, it reminded me of how much I was missing about everything, how much just a touch can mean, and all the good stuff too, but there was some kind of psychological blocker going on, no matter how hard I tried, I could not seem to complete the business with a happy ending, no problem with performance, which I think was to her advantage, this went on for about one hour, we took a break and continued for another half hour, still no blast off, but there seemed to be no lack of appetite and performance was not an issue.

So, I began to wonder, was I afraid to risk exposing her if there was a failure of the safety net.

Because from past experiences, while married it was no problem to perform multiple times, four or five times a night, and yes I got tired but again performance was never an issue.

Now what I wonder is what would happen if I were to find a willing hiv positive partner, would the psychological blocker disappear and can I expect to ever find what I lost through this virus and through the psychological maze of treatment.

That is what I really wonder about, of course much like many here and elsewhere the fear of being exposed or disclosure fears prevents many from joining or even replying when someone expresses some interest in you.

I know that there are a lot of people out there that are like me, and do not fit the mold, we tend to stay alone or with only close family knowing our status, we often do not interact socially, preferring to remain anonymous, which is why you see so many profiles without pictures, but what if, what if taking that chance might result in something special or even anything at all, a friend ship with or without benefits, (but to be honest, any friendship is something to treasure)



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